Man of the Nanosecond

Fathers lock up your daughters. In fact, lock up everybody you give a damn about. This guy is real. He’s out there. You can’t make this shit up. Dating websites have finally brought ALL the nutjobs out of the nutjar.

Meet Theuns.

Doesn’t matter who or what you are, this guy would probably date you. He'd date the shit out of you. Literally. My guess is that an orifice, any orifice, will do. I imagine 18-year old girls out there will be thrilled with the idea that this “guy” (for lack of a better word) is also intimate with 50-year old men. Theuns thinks that this indiscriminance makes him look open-minded. But, of course, it only makes him look really really desperate, not to mention like an avid pervert.

Can you imagine the confusion that soon turns into shock, horror and clinical depression, of the girl or woman who, after diligently filling in all the questions asked by the host site, gets our man Theuns as her number one match? It’s not the kind of thing from which you’re likely to recover. Ever. And with the generic bullshit questions these sites ask, no female is safe. (Do you like animals? Yes? You’re in luck, meet Mr Pigfucker here…)

Theuns is not only “Positive about HIV”, but also happens to be HIV positive. “That’s why”, he quips, “I almost never have unprotected sex!”.

“But seriously, contracting HIV is the best thing that’s ever happened to me”. He explains: “You wouldn’t believe the social and organizational doors it opens for a bloke like me. Besides, our nation’s President is convinced HIV doesn’t cause AIDS, and that’s good enough for me. Who am I to argue, HE’S THE PRESIDENT, for God’s sakes. I’m not poor, so I figure I’ve got nothing to worry about.”

"To be honest", he giggles, "I would have selected ages 12 and up, but apparently that is considered indecent: it wasn't even an option!, if you can believe that."

When he’s not hysterically running away from an insect, he’s out sucking some black man’s cock in a railway station urinal. Visit http://www.love2meet.com/ to get in touch with Theuns. But a word of advice: be quick about it. With half the world's population eligible, he’s bound to find true love soon…