Jacob Zuma: Man of the Week

This week's Man of the Week goes to Mr. Jacob Zuma, for his selfless act of having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman because "she also has needs".

Zuma testified in his own defence in the ongoing trial in which the woman is now ungratefully accusing the HIV-negative former Deputy President of rape.

Mr. Zuma, as ever the embodiment of modesty, said that he knew the risk of his contracting HIV through sex with her was “minimal”. He developed a deep understanding of the disease while serving on the South African Aids Council. No doubt the ANC’s unofficial stance that poverty causes AIDS (and not HIV as alleged by conspiring medical scientists worldwide), made his chivalrous act significantly more palatable.

In a compelling display of a humble, communist mind-set, Comrade Zuma denied that there had been a large power imbalance between them. The unnamed accuser of the former Deputy President of the Republic of South Africa was a contract “wellness” co-ordinator for the ANC at the time of his gallantry.

We are not fooled by Mr. Zuma’s modesty, which is why he is a pattern tub’s runaway “Man of the Week”. We especially commend him for making the experience as pleasurable as possible for her by graciously not using a condom. Congratulations Comrade Zuma, and keep up the good work! Viva Jacob Zuma!