25.4.06

Man Proves Tom Cruise Is An Idiot

Background reading: Tom Cruise interview on News24. The proof to this theorem should not be attempted without referring to the interview above.

Theorem: At least one of the following is true:
1. Katie Holmes hates Tom Cruise
2. Tom Cruise has a serious, contagious condition
3. Tom Cruise is an idiot and/or a barefaced liar


Lets attempt to prove the first part (1 and/or 2) of the theorem first, and assume (assumption 1) that Tom Cruise is not an idiot or liar (remember, it’s only hypothetical).

Proposition 1: Tom Cruise could stay with his girlfriend Katie and newborn baby Suri if both he and Katie wanted him there.
Proof:
After announcing to a packed Rome press conference that he was rushing home later on Monday to be with his family, but allegedly Holmes and his baby girl, Suri, were doing so well that he would continue to Paris and London.

Proposition 2: Tom Cruise wanted to stay with girlfriend and baby
Proof:
"My mission impossible was to be here today," Cruise told reporters in Rome, where he was promoting the premiere of "Mission Impossible III." or "I didn't want to come," he said. "My daughter was just born, and I didn't want to leave her and her mother."

Proposition 3: The only possible reason Tom did not stay with them is that she doesn’t want him there.
Proof
Taking into account Propositions 1 and 2, that the only other party involved in the decision is Katie Holmes, and under assumption 1 the statements made by Cruise are true, proves Proposition 3. Alternative proof: Propositions 1 and 2 and assumption 1 along with "I spoke with Katie and here we discussed it ... She said, 'You know, things change'," Cruise said.
proves proposition 3.

Now we inoke the axiom “a mother that doesn’t want her husband to be with her and newborn baby must hate the father, or the father has a contagious disease”.

Therefore, under assumption 1, follows that Katie Holmes hates Tom Cruise or he has a contagious disease. If assumption 1 does not hold, then by definition Tom Cruise is an idiot/barefaced liar, and again our theorem holds.

In fact, the above theorem can also trivially be proven by just proving that Tom Cruise is an idiot. This could be done by quoting:
"I realise the fans are going to be there in London and Paris and you know, everything is cool. So we're going to hit it. We're going to bang it." or "I look at Kate and my admiration and love and respect for her, although I didn't think it could get any more, it became more," Cruise said or "It was very beautiful" or any similar statement made by Cruise since flipping the fuck out a few years ago.

Although the proof above is less rigorous since some would argue that he’s quoting Katie and that she’s actually the idiot. Including a shortcut to a transcript of Oprah episode 20334 would also suffice.

QED


15 comments:

tinus said...

Divorce nr. 3 can't be far away.

b said...

Yes, wouldn't surprise me if she's already regretting it.

dcm said...

Please enlighten me... What the hell is this!?

b said...

Please refer to Dictionary.com, DCM.

dcm said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dcm said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dcm said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dcm said...

Dear b
I feel obliged to share my dismay at not finding a single entry for ‘backpage’ / ‘back page’ on reference.com. Please refer, with special attention to the paragraph entitled ‘Celebrity resentment’.
Sincerely,
dcm

b said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
b said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
b said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
b said...

DCM

I'm not sure what you mean by "back page", but I'm sorry if you are a Tom Cruise fan, the post was not aimed at you personally. I could not have been expected to guess that Tom Cruise's only remaining male fan happened to be a contributor on this blog. I hate to be the one to break this to you: Tom Cruise has clearly flipped, ask anyone with half a brain. My guess is that pointing out Tom is an idiot is not enough to qualify me as a celebrity “resenter". Besides, I hate people from all walks of life equally.

BTW, congrats on getting your comment right in only 4 tries.

dcm said...

dear b

Studying tom's behaviour on the backpage of papers this day and age is not my idea of fun, 'cause blockbuster celebs are all idiots... fact.

I finally went through the effort of scrolling down a cm on the 14" screen. Ooh, it's going to change my life!

b said...

So it's a fact that Steven Spielberg is an idiot? Wow, I did not know that.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Just want to say what a nice site. Bye, see you soon.
»